Life After Loss
by Chiera
Summary: This was not the happily ever after Kagome had always dreamt about. This could not be happening to her, not after everything they had gone through... She never knew that her whole world could screech to a complete halt in a blink of an eye.
1. Unexpected Proposal

**Summary:** This was not the happily ever after Kagome had always dreamt about. This could not be happening to her, not after everything they had gone through... She never knew that her whole world could screech to a complete halt in a blink of an eye.

**Rating:** MA

**Universe:** Canon (post-canon)

**Genre:** Angst, Drama, Romance

**Diclaimer: **_Inuyasha_ and its characters belong to Takahashi Rumiko-sensei. I am but a fan, writing for other fans, for absolutely no profit.

**Life After Loss**

_by Chie_

The tall, orange flames danced before her. Their hungry roaring filled her ears, the smoke made her eyes water. The heat of the great pyre fanned her dry cheeks.

She almost wished to walk into the flames, to turn to smoke and float away.

She stood perfectly still as she watched the fire burn. Her back was straight as a rod and her shoulders rigid.

She couldn't fathom how or why she was there. She still refused to believe it all had really happened. After all, it wasn't supposed to go like this. This was not the happily ever after she had always dreamt about. How could it all end so soon, end like _this_?

He had vowed to stay by her side forever, so how had he dared to leave her like that?

She could not feel any pain.

She could not feel the overwhelming sorrow.

More than anything she wanted to cry, but she could not do even that.

'Broken-hearted' could not even begin to describe how she was feeling. All she felt was emptiness. She felt completely numb, as if none of this was happening, or as if she was watching it happen to someone else.

Here she stood, all alone, watching the fire with eyes so empty they failed to see anything, feeling like her heart had been torn out of her chest, trying futilely to cling to the tattered remains of the severed bond.

Chapter One – Unexpected Proposal

Kagome did not know how long she stood there trying to make sense of her life. When she finally came to, the fire had burned out and there was nothing left but ash. The fire-rat haori she had been squeezing like a lifeline fell from her numb fingers, the red looking unnaturally vivid against her stark white kimono.

Like in a trance, she watched as they carefully gathered the ash from the funeral pyre. She knew that at the top of the flight of stairs, there was a freshly dug grave waiting, right beside that of Kikyo's. They would bury the ashes there.

Years ago, the thought of the two of them resting side by side would have made her miserable and upset, but now she could not feel a thing. She was no longer an insecure teenager and the time for jealousy was long past. Kikyo might have been his first love… But it was _her_ he had mated.

The men carrying the ashes started to ascend the stairs.

She turned away. She did not want to watch them bury him.

She did not want to acknowledge that he was gone.

A friendly hand squeezed her shoulder gently, breaking her out of her musings. She turned to see Miroku. The monk's eyes were tired and full of sorrow. Like a lost child, she allowed the man to walk her into Kaede's hut, where he sat her down as the old miko offered her a bowl of hot soup.

The young woman looked at the food and her stomach turned. She had no appetite, even though her stomach was aching in its emptiness. She hadn't been eating properly for days. She did not want to eat; she wanted to lie down, sleep and forget. But she knew that she would be spending the night staring at the ceiling, trying desperately to escape the painful loneliness that haunted her in the dark.

Miroku looked at Kagome, worry for the woman evident in his expression. He glanced at Kaede, and the miko shook her head slightly, a sad look in her old eyes.

Miroku sighed.

"I have to go to see Sango now," he told the old woman.

Kaede frowned but nodded. As the monk left the hut, she turned to regard the unresponsive young woman, who was dully staring into her untouched bowl of soup.

L-A-L

Miroku entered his house and found his wife there, serving tea to their guest.

"How was Kagome-chan?" Sango asked, concern and grief shining in her eyes.

Miroku shook his head.

"Still the same. I do not think she has yet even overcome the initial shock." The monk sat down and then turned to their guest.

"I am glad to see that you came to attend the funeral," he said with a polite bow of his head.

The male sipped his tea before he answered.

"My personal feelings towards him aside, we still share the same blood." the golden eyes flashed, as he met the monk's gaze. "And while you may not believe it, I did not wish for his death."

Miroku did in fact believe him. He still remembered how the two brothers had fought side by side – on more than one occasion.

"Besides, I needed to see the miko."

Sango frowned.  
"Kaede? She has been taking good care of Rin," she assured.

Sesshoumaru scowled.

"No, the Shikon miko. I wanted to see if she was still alive."

Miroku looked like someone had just doused him with cold water as he stared at the demon.

"What do you mean?" he asked, trying to remain calm and quell his sudden alarm.

Sesshoumaru was silent for a moment.

"Not everyone accepts mating between the youkai and the ningen." he began to explain in his deep voice. "Certainly, it is not commonly practised. Yet, it undeniably happens. The mating bond is such a strong and perfect union between the two partners that the death of a mate can drive even youkai insane. It is a loss greater than you humans can fathom, and that is why they do not usually survive the anguish."

The demon paused and glanced at the couple who was raptly listening to him.

"And often", he continued, "to compensate for the inequality between the humans and the demons, the mates will bind their lifespans together. This will grant the human the longevity of their demon partner. It will also without fail result in the death of the human when their demon mate dies."

Sango's hands trembled as she set down her tea cup. The thought of losing Kagome, too, tightened her throat so that it was painful to swallow.

Miroku was frowning.

"I know she has not been eating or sleeping properly, but that all belongs to the normal process of mourning," he pointed out.

Sesshoumaru nodded slowly.

"Inuyasha was only a half-demon. And the miko has considerable power. She might survive."

Miroku studied the demon lord in silence.

"There is something you are not saying," he prompted after a while.

The look in the golden eyes hardened as Sesshoumaru once again levelled his gaze at the humans.

"We have a tradition through which we honour the deceased by saving their beloved human mate."

"It is possible to prevent the widow's – or widower's – death, then?" Miroku asked, one brow raised. "How?"

"By tying their lifespan to that of a demon's."

Sango blinked, and then gasped loudly as she understood the implication behind the daiyoukai's words. Her hands fisted in her lap.

"You do not mean the human has to mate _again_?" she asked incredulously.

Sesshoumaru's lips formed a thin line as he nodded.

"Preferably within the family, pack or clan for the new bond to form correctly," he dryly added.

Miroku stayed silent and continued to closely study the daiyoukai.

"Surely there is no need to go that far!" Sango protested, visibly upset. "Kagome-chan is doing just fine."

Sesshoumaru's eyebrow rose, implying his doubts about the taijiya's proclamation.

Sango seemed to realise it herself, for she blushed slightly. Remembering how Kagome had just stood there for the entire cremation, the emptiness in her eyes, not having shed a single tear, it was quite obvious that the young woman was not doing fine at all.

"And if something happens," she continued on a softer tone, "I am sure the Tenseiga would – "

"Not work," Sesshoumaru cut in tonelessly. "The blade cannot call back the miko's soul without her consent. If she is reunited with the hanyou in the afterlife, do you think she will wish to return?"

Pained silence filled the hut.

They all knew the answer.

"You may have no reason to concern," Sesshoumaru said then, taking a careful sip of his tea.

"No reason for concern?" Sango echoed incredulously. "After telling us that Kagome-chan is dying?"

"She may not be," Sesshoumaru coolly cut in. "As I said before, the miko does have a considerable power."

Miroku gazed at the demon lord thoughtfully.

"I am guessing this lifespan binding is related to power, then?" he voiced his astute observation.

Sesshoumaru nodded, and met the monk's eyes.

"You are correct. It is the weaker one who will adhere to the lifespan of the more powerful being. When a human and youkai mate, this would always mean that the human would be given the chance to live as long as their youkai mate. But Inuyasha was a hanyou… And he mated the Shikon miko. It may well be that the miko was the stronger one, and if that is the case…"

"She would still detain her own lifespan," Miroku replied. The man was quiet for a while, before he frowned. "But the danger still exists, does it not? The loss of her mate might still be too heavy a blow."

Sesshoumaru nodded.

"She still lives, which makes me believe that she can master her own lifespan. But she does not look well," Sesshoumaru said pointedly, glancing at Sango.

The taijiya glared back defiantly, until her shoulders started to shake and she had to lower her eyes.

Having proven his point, the daiyoukai turned away. There was no reason for him to torture the female further. He could scent her grief, her fear, her desperation.

From the times he had visited this village to see his ward, he had noticed how close the two women had been, the demon slayer and the miko.

For the slayer, the priestess was pack. It was only natural for her to feel concerned.

Miroku cleared his throat.

"I think it is time to cut through all this and get finally to the point of the matter." His piercing violet eyes pinned down the demon. "Why are you here, telling me and my wife about all this?"

Sesshoumaru stiffened, and impassively held the monk's gaze.

"A year after they had mated, Inuyasha came to see me."

Sango gasped softly.

"I was surprised as well," Sesshoumaru admitted. "Having a mate had changed him – you who stayed at his side surely also noticed this. He was not as immature. He was no longer as brash. He was more thoughtful."

Miroku nodded, and smiled somewhat wryly.

"Kagome-sama must have rubbed off on him."

"Indeed. The mating is the joining of souls – occasionally, over time, the mates may begin to resemble one another."

The daiyoukai paused for a moment.

"He had become more careful. He now had a mate that depended on him. And he was often away from her. Helping the humans defend their homes from demons, travelling, with you," Sesshoumaru noted, inclining his head at the monk. "He came to me to ask a favour. He wanted me to look after his miko… if anything was to happen to him."

"So now you're here," Miroku said on a neutral tone.

Sesshoumaru nodded.

"I am aware, that when Inuyasha made his request, he did not realise what he was asking of me. Because of his mixed blood he was not taken into the youkai society; it is highly improbable that he was ever aware of the existence of this particular tradition."

"And yet you would be willing to follow the tradition and save Kagome." Miroku stated, studying the demon lord. "Why?"

"Because I gave my word," was the rather simple reply. "And because I respect the miko."

"That is most charitable of you." Miroku acknowledged. "And I do not wish to be impolite, but I still feel somewhat sceptical. Taking a mate is a lifetime commitment – would you truly go so far just because you gave your word to your brother?"

Sesshoumaru's posture had grown rigid as the monk had voiced his doubts, and now the daiyoukai was glaring at the man coldly.

The monk sighed. He was not a fool, and knew which battle to fight and which to fold. Sesshoumaru had been accommodating so far, but the demon lord was growing irate with the delay.

He was not sure if Sesshoumaru's proposal would be in Kagome's best interest, but at this point he was desperate to try anything. As a monk, Miroku had experience of grieving widows before, and he knew that she would need to snap out of her sorrow, or it would never really lift. He had seen it happen too many times, and he did not want the miko to become a slave to her sadness. It was a gamble. Sesshoumaru could either make everything worse, or save her. But there was only one way to find out which it would be.

"Sango, would you please go join Rin-chan and the kids?"

The taijiya did not look happy, but nodded. Miroku turned back to Sesshoumaru.

"I'll bring Kagome here so you can discuss this."

Sesshoumaru inclined his head and watched as the monk and his wife left the hut.

L-A-L

After a moment, the shikon miko came in, wearing the white kimono of mourning. She sat down on the _tatami_.

She had never looked more like the un-dead miko. Her skin had a sickly pale cast to it and her eyes were empty and soulless. She had lost weight and there were dark circles under her eyes. She moved slowly, sluggishly, listlessly, as if she was in a dream.

An endless nightmare she could not awake from.

Sesshoumaru felt oddly unsettled, seeing the miko like this. He remembered her as a brave, cheerful and strong-willed person, but the woman in front of him had none of those qualities left.

Just by looking at her, he could tell she had not been sleeping or eating properly for the past several days. The lively spark was gone from her deep blue eyes.

Those were not good signs. She seemed to have given up.

"What do you want, Sesshoumaru?" she asked him bluntly in a tired, broken voice.

"To fulfil my brother's request. He sought me out some years ago, to ask me to look after you. I am sure he was unaware at that time, that I would be bound by tradition to take you as my mate if something were to happen to him."

"Excuse me?" the priestess asked lamely.

"Undoubtedly Inuyasha told you how a mating works. You bind your souls and your lifespans. The human usually succumbs to their mate's lifespan, so if the mate dies, so will they. To prevent this, a tradition began for one of the demon's pack to mate the widow."

"So you come in here, state your business and expect me to follow your stupid little custom?" she queried incredulously in a raw voice.

Despite her current lifeless state, it seemed her old temper was still there, lurking beneath the listless surface.

"I came here, because I gave Inuyasha my word. And because I believed such union would be in our mutual interests," Sesshoumaru stated calmly.

"Well with this lifespan-thing you explained I can see why you think such madness would be beneficial for _me_, but I don't see what you will get out of it, save for the chance to coddle your sense of honour."

"To be frank, miko, right now I may well need this mating more than you do." he paused, his scoff a clear indication of his distaste. "Someone has decided that I need to be mated, and is looking for suitable matches, but none so far have been acceptable to me. While I would not object to an arranged mating, I would wish it to be with a female I at least could respect."

Surprised, she raised her head to meet his steady gaze. Soon, though, her shoulders hunched, and she averted her eyes from him.

"I am sorry that you are in such a situation, Sesshoumaru. I really am. And I'm honoured you would ask me. But I have to decline. I can't be your mate."

"Yes, you can," he countered imperiously, "and you should."

"I don't need your help, alright?" she huffed, beginning to grow agitated.

"Yes, you do," he retorted. "I can tell you are not eating. You are not sleeping. You are letting the grief take the control of you. You are giving up on life, miko, and that is unacceptable."

Again, she turned her gaze away from him, and stared at her thinned hands, clasped tightly in her lap. She did not wish to argue with him, she felt exhausted and just wanted to be alone.

"Go away, Sesshoumaru," she pleaded. "Leave me be."

Sesshoumaru had never expected the miko to comply to his proposal easily; he knew she was too struck by the death of his brother. Right now, he could tell she was not sure if she wanted to keep on living, taking a mate was the furthest thing from her mind.

But he was not going to back down, nor would he accept no for an answer.

"Would you rather stay here, daily haunted by the memories and living in the past, unable to let go your sorrow? Would you rather wither away and willingly succumb to death? If so, the years have truly changed you, miko," he spoke in a cold, unyielding tone. "You have lost your perseverance and grown weak. How despicable."

And then, there was finally a sign of life in the blue emptiness of her eyes. Her anger sparked, as the short-tempered woman rose to his bait.

"What do you know?" she shrieked at him. "You could not possibly understand what I feel, so just fuck off!"

Her small hands had balled into fists. A slight flush of anger tinted her waxy cheeks. Her chest was heaving from her heavy breathing. She looked alive again, but to him the most intriguing thing was her anguish, so clearly etched onto her features. For the first time, she had allowed it to show on the outside. He had studied her during the cremation, and knew she had not shed a single tear.

Sesshoumaru briefly closed his eyes and inclined his head.

"You are correct. I have never been mated, and thus cannot fathom your loss." he paused, his piercing amber gaze boring into the very corners of her soul. "But I know my brother would want you to live. He would not wish you to waste your life because of him. He, of all people, would understand. He, too, loved and lost once. But he got past that pain and he found you."

Kagome sat still as Sesshoumaru's words sunk in. She knew he was right. Inuyasha would want her to move on with her life, he would not want to see her repeating his past mistakes.

But she was not sure if she could do that. She had lost too much. She had given up _everything_ for Inuyasha; it had been because of _him_ she had returned through the well. And now he was gone and she was forever stranded to the past, cut off from her family and the world she had been born in. Sure she still had her friends, but they were not enough to fill that horrible vacuum inside of her, born out of her loneliness.

Confused and afraid, she fingered the long sleeve of her kimono.

The demon lord was sitting before her, patiently waiting for her answer. She watched him under her bangs, and he looked just as regal, composed and powerful as always.

Only he could march in and so arrogantly propose to her on the day she had buried her mate. Not that he ever actually had. Not once had he presented her the question, no, Sesshoumaru had simply stated the proposition as it was.

She shook her head.

"I… I need to think about it," she finally rasped, her voice so soft that he might not have heard her if not for his superior senses.

He gave her a graceful nod.

"Very well."

Then, he stood up and exited the hut, leaving the forlorn miko alone with the painfully heavy fragments of her heart.


	2. Decision

Chapter Two - Decision

Kagome lay still on the futon, staring into the wooden ceiling in the darkness of Kaede's hut. She had stayed over in the old miko's residence ever since… She could not return to her home, it had been a place she had shared with Inuyasha, and now it just felt empty and wrong and it _hurt_.

It was not the first time she was lying awake in the dead of the night. She had not been sleeping for several days.

Yet, tonight was different. This time, it was not the painful memories and her staggering loss that were stealing her sleep, but the puzzle called Sesshoumaru. Inuyasha had been the love of her life, and she had no intention to mate ever again – least of all with his older brother.

The notion was utterly absurd. For some reason, she could not really imagine the regal daiyoukai to take anyone as his mate – and yet he had come to ask _her_, right after his brother's funeral.

He was unbelievable!

Then again, she had never felt that she could understand the demon lord. At first he had tried to kill her, later he had saved her. When they had still been travelling and collecting the jewel shards, their paths had occasionally crossed. But all those times, she had mostly studied him from afar. They had not really stood side by side, until that final battle, and those dreadful moments when they had been trapped in the spider hanyou's body.

After she had come back through the well and mated Inuyasha…

Her thoughts scattered and there was that cold emptiness again, the one she tried to desperately ignore. She stared at the ceiling with listless eyes, suddenly feeling so tired. Yet, she struggled, trying to get back in control of herself, to will away the pain.

She closed her eyes, drew a quivering breath, and tried to focus. She felt the power course in her veins, cold as ice, seeking in vain for the familiar presence forever lost, for the piece of her soul that was no longer there.

Then, suddenly, she felt a dark pulse, coming from outside. Her powers latched on it, it was different but it was familiar, and somehow the sensation was soothing.

She opened her eyes and breathed a little easier.

Kagome rolled onto her side, curling up under the blanket.

She did not know if she was doing the right thing or making a mistake. But right now, she did not even care. In the state that she was, it was excruciating enough to live in the moment. Even taking everything day by day was a struggle, so she couldn't possibly fathom any far-reaching consequences at the moment.

For better or worse, her decision was made.

L-A-L

It was early in the morning; the sun was still climbing the sky. Kagome sat in _seiza_, on the cool green grass. She looked at the smooth white stone.

It still felt surreal, but she was trying to understand that it was really there.

That there was no going back.

_I never thought it would come to this. You were supposed to be here, with me. What should I do now that I'm alone?_

The stone before her stayed silent.

Her throat tightened. She slumped forward, falling to her hands and knees. Her fingers dug into the grass as she struggled to breathe.

It was too much. It was so overwhelming. She could not take it, she was too weak, too confused, too broken. As she knelt there, gasping for air, the world stood still. It was dead to her; it did not matter, not now that he was gone.

He was _gone_, and yet somehow expected her to go on.

And still the tears would not come, even though she had finally allowed the grief a full reign. The pain forced her on her knees, strangled her throat, stole her breath and crushed her heart.

After what felt like an eternity, she surfaced. The grief was once again under her control, the pain had dulled. But neither had gone anywhere, they still lurked in the dark corners of her soul, biding their time.

She slowly straightened herself, drawing back into a composed _seiza_, folding her arms into her lap. She prayed fervently in her mind, even though she could not force a single word out. Then, she lit incense and bowed in respect, before she stood up and turned around.

He was there, at the top of the stairs, watching her. She knew he had been standing there for a while. Her jaw clenched, and she forced her eyes to meet his appraising stare.

"Are you ready?" the daiyoukai asked in his deep voice. "Or do you still need more time?"

Kagome shook her head.

"I have decided," she replied apathetically, wondering if she ever truly had a choice in the matter.

"Then come. We have much to discuss."

Sesshoumaru turned and started to descend the stairs, back to the village.

She hesitated but a moment before she followed, her rigid back growing more aware of the grave she was walking away from with every step she took.

L-A-L

Sesshoumaru was surprised at the miko's strength. Sure she was haunted and stricken, confused and broken. Even if her mind had given up, her instincts were still struggling, clinging to life so desperately, though the miko was growing feebler every day. Still, she was doing surprisingly well.

The priestess had always been very… emotional. She wore her heart on her sleeve and she let her feelings run rampant.

His mother, on the other hand, had always been reserved, as suited a lady of her rank. She had emotions too, of course, but she kept them tightly under her control.

And then his father had died.

Sesshoumaru had been a teenager, but he would always remember that night. He had known even then that his parents had been a suitable match and had deeply cared for one another. But they had never been in love with each other. Still, that night, his calm, reserved mother had howled her grief to the skies, hour after hour. She had trashed her apartment and then lain in a boneless heap in the corner of her destroyed room for three weeks.

His regal, powerful mother had become a complete wreck after losing her mate. It was odd that in some sense, the miko was actually faring better. His composed mother had fallen apart, but the miko who usually let her emotions have a free reign now had brought them under her control. But then again, the priestess felt everything so keen and deep. Maybe she knew she wasn't ready to face all the sorrow yet, that she wasn't strong enough to defeat it in this moment.

Sesshoumaru's golden eyes bore into her, piercing, searching, assessing.

She was haunted and stricken, confused and broken. She had given up on life, had nothing left to keep her afloat. Still she sat there in front of him and held her head up, her dulled sapphire eyes meeting his gaze.

Even when she was so broken, her strength shone through.

That was really why he was drawn to her, why he had made his proposition.

She was the Shikon miko, one of a kind.

"You said we need to discuss," she spoke in that tired tone that didn't sound like hers. "A discussion would require you to speak, not sit there in silence and stare at me."

The corner of his lips quirked upwards.

"You have come to your decision?" he asked.

"I have."

"Do you consent to mate this Sesshoumaru?"

Silence followed the regal question. She studied him with those lifeless blue eyes. He could not tell what she was thinking.

"Yes," she said hoarsely. "I consent." She had nothing to lose. She had already lost _everything_.

He inclined his head, relaxing a little.

"Thank you," he told her. The words rather surprised her, as one of her eyebrows arched.

"So what now?" she questioned him.

"We will form the union and leave this village."

"How? I mean… with Inuyasha…" she paused, trying to swallow down the painful piece lodged in her throat.

He sat there, watching her patiently.

She wrestled the pain down again and managed to subdue it.

"When Inuyasha and I mated, it was during… Uh, we were…"

"For most it is easiest to bind yourself in spirit while being _physically_ intimate. However, the physical intimacy is not necessary as long as you are in control of your powers and can form the bond as needed."

"Alright," she agreed tiredly.

"I must touch you, to establish a proper connection, but that touch does not need to be intimate."

"Very well," she muttered.

"You should be aware that while it is a mating, it is mainly a partnership I am suggesting to you. A mutual agreement of sorts. I do not offer you love, nor expect such sentiment from you. But I can give you my respect… and my friendship, if you will."

Kagome just nodded indifferently.

The miko didn't appear to care about what would happen to her, even after announcing that he would be taking her away from the village, she had not asked where they were going. Sesshoumaru really hoped that a change of scenery would do the priestess good. He sincerely wished the woman to regain her usual spirit, though he knew her recovery would take its time. The mating would secure her from physical threat; his energy would help to fuel her body despite its lack of food and sleep. But only she could overcome her broken heart.

"Come, your friends worry for you."

He stood up fluidly and offered her his hand. She looked at him dully but took it, allowing him to pull her up. She followed him out of the hut.

L-A-L

Miroku was sitting on the _tatami_, thinking back to the conversation yesterday and pondering the situation. Kagome had been visibly upset after Sesshoumaru had made his proposition, and she had quickly excused herself and went back to Kaede's hut where she had curled up on her _futon_.

He strongly felt that while Sesshoumaru had spoken true about why he wanted to mate Kagome, the daiyoukai had another, hidden motivation for pushing the union. But the monk could not even begin to guess what that motivation might be. They had remained allies even after defeating Naraku. The demon lord would come to the village every now and then to visit Rin, and on occasion had spent some time with his half-brother as well, even if the two of them had still fought more often than not. Perhaps it had become a habit, their only comfortable form of brotherly interaction. But despite the visits, they had always remained distant; the inudaiyoukai had always remained a mystery to everyone.

Miroku was not convinced that Sesshoumaru was a suitable match for Kagome. In fact, they were very mismatched. He was formal and collected, while Kagome was somewhat erratic and definitely on the clumsy side. He was so cold and withdrawn, whereas Kagome was friendly and open. He was a demon lord, she was a miko. He had been born centuries ago and she hailed far from the future.

Still, Rin was a living proof that Sesshoumaru indeed had a heart, hiding somewhere deep beneath his icy exterior. He was also mature, unlike his younger brother. And above all, the daiyoukai was honourable. That was the most important reason why Miroku was willing to entrust his friend to Sesshoumaru, he would not mistreat his mate.

He knew a mating between the two would be a gamble. But he was willing to take it for that small chance of it bringing Kagome back. To him it was quite clear that Kagome was already well on her way to wasting away before their very eyes. And at this point Miroku was ready to try anything to save his friend from that fate; he would even strike a deal with Naraku if that was what it took to snap Kagome out of her apathy. Seeing the miko so lifeless before him wrenched his heart every single time, almost as painfully as it had when he had found Inuyasha.

They were supposed to travel together, but he had been forced to stay behind. Sango and the twins had all fallen ill, something which Kagome had called a stomach bug. So Inuyasha had gone ahead, bound for the village that had requested their aid. Miroku had promised to set out a day or two later and had told the hanyou he'd catch up to him. Too late they had realised that the trip had coincided with the night of the new moon, and by the time Miroku had rushed after his friend it had already been too late. He had found him on the side of the road, highwaymen by the looks of it. They had taken the few belongings he had carried, even the Tessaiga. His undefeatable half demon companion was lying in the dirt, bloody and broken. The sunrise had not transformed his lifeless body. He had carried Inuyasha home on his back, his heart growing heavier with each step.

Inuyasha was already lost to him, and he mourned his passing and hoped the hanyou had at last found peace. He would not allow Kagome to be dragged down with her mate, however. She deserved better than that.

It was Rin's shout which snapped Miroku out of his deep and troubled thoughts. The moment there was movement at the door, her "Sesshoumaru-sama!" filled the quiet hut, although the greeting was stripped of its usual cheer. Kagome entered the house after Sesshoumaru.

Now the monk could once again sense the nervous tension in their crowded hut. The children were out, playing together with other kids of the village, but his wife, Kaede, Rin and Shippo were all there. The news of Sesshoumaru's intentions had spread, and everyone was anxious to hear the verdict.

And now the two of them had arrived at last.

Sesshoumaru seated himself on the _tatami_. Kagome followed in suit, sitting down next to him.

The silence in the hut was heavy and deafening. It stopped everyone from voicing the question they were begging to ask.

Kagome sat there, waiting for Sesshoumaru speak. He didn't. She glanced at the daiyoukai out of the corner of her eye, and found him staring at her expectantly.

He wanted her to tell everyone. In a way that made sense, after all they were _her_ friends, but it still surprised her, because Sesshoumaru was the one who had waltzed in, taken control and told people what was to happen. Maybe now that he had got what he wanted, he was feeling more lenient towards her.

Kagome sighed and squared her shoulders, raising her gaze to meet her friends' questioning gazes.

"I suppose you are all aware that Sesshoumaru proposed to me," Kagome said tiredly.

Well, more or less. If a bold and arrogant statement of 'You should be my mate' counted as a proposal.

No one spoke, but Kagome could clearly feel the strained anticipation in the room.

"I have given him my consent."

Miroku quietly nodded his acceptance and Rin smiled at them excitedly.

Kaede didn't say anything, but the thin line of her lips was a clear sign of disapproval.

The rest were not afraid to be vocal with their opinions.

"What?!" Shippo shrieked in disbelief.

"Why?" Sango hissed.

Kagome's hands balled, squeezing the hem of her kimono. She felt tired and vexed, almost wishing that Sesshoumaru would step in again to take control of the situation. She did not like to be in the spotlight just now. She had known her friends would not understand and she doubted they would even if she tried to explain. It just was so bothersome and she really didn't want to deal with any of this. Not now.

But Sesshoumaru remained silent, seemingly content with her put on the spot.

"Because Sesshoumaru told me that it is what Inuyasha wanted. And I believe he's right. Out of all people, he asked Sesshoumaru to…" Kagome fell silent and lowered her eyes, staring hard at the _tatami_. The pain she was feeling flashed in the blue depths for just a second. "I can't stay here," she choked after a moment.

"That I can understand," Sango hurriedly assured her friend, feeling sad at seeing her so broken. "But I don't think making a lifetime commitment is the right answer."

"Yeah!" Shippo echoed, glaring at Sesshoumaru. "And with _him_! Why does it have to be him?!"

Kagome glanced at Sesshoumaru again. His expression was unreadable, but the aura around him was calm – almost soothing. She turned to look at her friends and shrugged.

"He needs me," she offered simply.

Miroku smiled slightly. That sounded almost like the normal Kagome, willing to do anything to help her friends as well as complete strangers.

"_We_ need you!" Shippo protested, scowling. He was not at all happy about this development.

"No, Shippo-chan, you don't," Kagome sighed. "You're away most of the time in the kitsune school. Sango and Miroku, you have each other and your family. Kaede has Rin-chan to help her. There is nothing for me here anymore."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," Sango said, her eyes swimming with unshed tears. "But I can accept that. Still I don't think you should rush into something like this."

"Sango, I'm tired," the miko pleaded with her broken voice. "Tired of being empty and alone. Feeling like a part of me is missing. You don't know what it feels like."

"I lost my whole family!" Sango said, her voice rising. The tears were now rolling down her cheeks. "How can you say that to me?"

"Because you were not bound to them with a bond so deep it takes a part of your soul to form it."

Sango's deep frown was a clear indication of her disagreement, but the taijiya just glared at her friend in silence.

Kagome's shoulders hunched in resignation. She drew herself up, her hands trembling.

"I don't care what you think," she said tonelessly. "The decision was mine and I have made it."

Kagome turned and left the hut.

The silence reigned again. It was heavy with tension, hurt and sadness.

Sesshoumaru sat still a while longer, his golden gaze assessing the people in the hut. The corner of his lip curled up in a small sneer.

"Even if you were upset over the miko's choice or believed she was making a mistake, challenging her decision shows an appalling lack of common sense," Sesshoumaru said coldly, speaking for the first time that evening.

Sango's eyes flashed in anger. This was why she could not accept it, that youkai arrogance, that insulting tone of his, that contempt in his ruthless golden eyes.

"Kagome deserves better," Sango spat, glaring at the daiyoukai.

"Indeed she does," the demon lord replied, returning her glare in full force. "She is a grieving widow, and you are her friend. Yet the only people here who supported her were Rin, the monk and I."

Sesshoumaru rose from the _tatami_ and walked away, leaving behind a pained silence laced with guilt.

L-A-L

Kagome trekked down a path heading to the forest. She wanted to be alone, so going back to Kaede's hut was out of the question. She had made up her mind; she had told Sesshoumaru she would do it.

Kagome knew Inuyasha had wanted Sesshoumaru to look after her, that was partly why she had agreed to the daiyoukai's proposal. But she doubted that Inuyasha had intended her to actually mate his brother.

But then, maybe on some level he had known, maybe out of instinct or because he had at least suspected there would be some kind of pack obligation for his brother to take care of her. After all, he had gone to make his request to Sesshoumaru, and while their relationship had not been hostile for years, it had always remained distant. Miroku was one of Inuyasha's closest friends - he would have been an obvious first choice.

She was not sure if she was doing the right thing. Making such a big commitment, and with a person she did not really even _know_ was very frightening.

But she needed to get away from this village. Sesshoumaru had been right in that, she could not stay here dwelling in the memories of happier days and allow her grief to take control.

And there was something in Sesshoumaru's proposal that had tempted her. He had offered her friendship. She would have a partner for a lifetime without ever having to fall in love again. Inuyasha had been the love of her life, and now that he was gone and her heart was broken, that feeling had been buried in her for good. Sesshoumaru had promised her respect and friendship, and Kagome had sensed that the demon lord had been sincere. He was intimidating and Kagome did not really know that well what kind of a person he was, but she knew that he had a gentler side underneath his cold exterior. It had briefly surfaced sometimes when she had seen him interact with Rin. They would learn to get along; with his lifespan they had plenty of time to do that.

Kagome stopped at the edge of the clearing. She had not been planning to come here; she had just wanted to walk a while to clear her head and to be alone. But it seemed her feet had automatically sought out the familiar path and now she was here where it all had started. Slowly, the pit of her stomach twisting painfully with each step, she walked across the clearing and stopped to stand in front of the huge tree.

She gazed up at the Goshinboku, her eyes fixating on the spot where he had been sealed.

She remembered that day so clearly even know. The wonder and fear, how ethereal Inuyasha had looked when pinned to the tree in his deep sleep, how the arrow had tingled the palm of her hand as she had pulled it out.

She also remembered the times she had passed by the tree at home at the shrine.

But they were both out of her reach now, the past and the future. She was stuck here in the nightmare that was the present. The loneliness overwhelmed her, and she raised her hand to touch the ancient tree, trying in vain to seek solace in its presence. It only brought her pain, memories she was not yet ready to face.

She could almost see him lying there, pinned down by the arrow. He had looked so otherworldly, so beckoning with those adorable ears.

He had appeared to be completely at peace.

She really hoped that he had found peace at last.

Her trembling fingers glided up to caress the pale scar on the ancient tree's rough bark.

"I miss you," she whispered into the dark night, her broken voice falling to the ears of the dead.


	3. Joining

Chapter Three – Joining

Kagome stared at the ceiling of Kaede's hut, and slowly turned over to lie on her side. It was early in the morning, she could hear the muffled sounds of villagers outside, facing a new day, going about their lives. Kaede had already got up and left the hut some time earlier, and Kagome knew that she, too, would have to get up soon but she'd much rather just stay here, on her futon. She felt exhausted; it had taken hours until she had managed to fall asleep, only to keep waking up repeatedly. After such a night of tossing and turning, she felt like she had got no sleep let alone rest.

What reason had she to get up in any case? What point was there to continue repeating the same dull cycle over and over again? Her life was empty, and it was so strenuous to struggle onwards. People kept saying it would get better, she could read it in their pitying eyes even when they didn't utter the words aloud. It had been a week since his death, and it hadn't become any easier to deal with.

Underneath her blanket she curled up, her body was worn out from the stress, the lack of sleep and food. She welcomed the dull ache of the muscles, though; it was much easier to bear than that residing in her heart.

She heard footsteps. The straw mat hung in the doorway rustled when it was brushed aside. A tray, settled carefully down onto the floor, entered her line of vision. Kagome looked up to see Sango kneeling down on the tatami by her futon.

"Good morning," the taijiya wished her.

"Morning," Kagome echoed listlessly. It wasn't particularly a good one, in her opinion. In fact, it was a rather lousy, wretched morning.

"I made breakfast and thought you might want some, too," Sango continued.

Kagome sensed her nervousness. She recognised the peace offering for what it was. Her tired gaze swept the tray and found a bowl of _okayu_, rice congee. Kagome snorted lightly, finding the dish oddly befitting in the current situation.

She sat up and accepted wordlessly the bowl from Sango. It was pointless to stay angry or keep arguing with her, it took too much energy, and right now she needed all the strength she could gather to simply stay standing, to stop herself from being swallowed whole by the darkness looming in the corners of her soul.

Sango sighed, her shoulders sagging with relief when Kagome accepted the food.

"I am sorry about last night. I should have been more supportive. I know how hard everything is for you right now, and I did not intend to hurt you."

"It's alright," Kagome said tonelessly and took a sip of the water.

"No, it is not," the taijiya sighed. "I was being unreasonable."

"You were upset," Kagome shrugged.

"I was. But not with you, even if it sounded like that."

"I know. It's Sesshoumaru you have a problem with, isn't it?"

Sango nodded.

"We do not really even know him. All he allows us to see is the surface, and frankly it is not a good sight. He is cold, arrogant and ruthless, and I do not think he is good for you."

Kagome hummed.

"I know how he appears to be. But a surface is just a surface, and in time I will learn to know him. There was something he said, when I told him I accepted the proposal, something that made me feel like I had made the right choice." the miko paused, and glanced at her friend. "He said he did not offer me love nor expect that from me. He said he would give me his friendship and respect. And I think I need that. I don't think I can love anyone again, but neither can I be alone. With Sesshoumaru, I can have that."

"I understand," Sango said quietly. And she did. She knew the need to share one's life with someone. But she still worried for her friend, and she had to voice those worries.

"Are you sure that you will never love again? What if one day, years and years from now when you have accepted and got over Inuyasha's death, you are ready to love? What if you fall for Sesshoumaru, who has already told you he will not give you love? What if you fall for someone else, when you have already bound yourself to Sesshoumaru?"

"I can't answer those questions, Sango." Kagome said, her voice tired, hurt and lost. "I can't see that far ahead, I can barely manage living through one day at a time right now." The priestess smiled wryly. "Every morning, I expect to wake up and find it was all just a bad dream."

Sango did not say anything. She looked at her friend and it broke her heart to see her in such a pain, to hear her voice the dark thoughts that sounded so unlike her.

"It is hard for me to accept death as easily as you do, even after all the years I have been here, in this era." Kagome continued after a while. "You know, in the future, we call this time the warring states period. A befitting name, isn't it, full of chaos and death. But in the Japan I grew up in, we had no war or famine. There were no demons preying on us humans. The diseases and wounds that are deadly here, can be cured with modern medicine. Death does not lurk around every corner."

"I understand what you mean, Kagome-chan, and it must be difficult for you… But Inuyasha's death is hard for us all to accept," Sango spoke gently. "It was so sudden. None of us saw it coming."

Kagome nodded limply.

"You are right," she whispered into the room. "But the suddenness wasn't the worst part," she confessed softly. "His death itself, though devastating, isn't the worst part."

Kagome turned her pained eyes to finally meet Sango's sympathising gaze.

"The worst part is to realise how much I gave up on just to be with him, and how little I have left to myself now that he is gone. My childhood home and my family are lost for me forever. It feels like I have nothing left."

"We are here for you," Sango replied.

"Yes, but your family must come first." Kagome was silent for a moment. "If something happened to Miroku, you'd have reason to go on. You would still have your children and they would need you, they would pull you back from the darkness. But I can't come up with such reasons, I feel like there is nothing between me and the darkness, nothing to stop it from swallowing me whole."

Sango looked at her friend. She felt her pain and sorrow so keenly. She, too, had lost so much in her life, but she had also gained much. The silence stretched. There were no right words to say, nothing that could make the grief more bearable. Words were shallow and empty, they were completely useless.

Slowly, hesitantly, the taijiya drew her friend into a comforting embrace. That she could offer freely, and maybe it would even help in consoling the miko. The priestess' thinned hands clutched her shoulders; the grieving widow trembled in her arms. Sango simply held her there, shielding her from the world, whispering that everything would be all right, that she could get through this, the empty words neither of them could really believe.

**L-A-L**

Kagome actually felt somewhat better after her talk with Sango. She had even finished her breakfast, for the first time ever since Inuyasha passed. The talk had helped to steel her resolve, and it had been comforting to know that even if the slayer did not fully accept her decision, she supported her. Kagome really cared about Sango's opinion – they had grown so close during the hunt for the Shikon, being the only women in the party. The taijiya was like the sister she never had, and Kagome knew that Sango shared the sentiment. Before Sango had left with the tray and the breakfast dishes, Kagome had asked her a favour. There were things in her house she needed – clothes and her bow and arrows, for example – and Kagome couldn't go into the hut. It was too painful of a reminder from the life and happiness she had lost. She was not sure if she could ever cross the threshold again. The house had been built by Inuyasha, it had been _their_ place, and going there alone did not sit right with her. She wanted her last memories of the house to be happy ones, she did not want to remember it as it was now: empty and permeated with loneliness.

Kagome got up from her _futon_. She changed out of the light yukata she had slept in, into a simple kimono. Then she took a comb to the matted mess of her hair. She had not really tended to her appearance this past week, it felt so very unimportant now. An idea began to slowly form in her mind as she worked the comb through her inky locks. After she had fought all the snarls and stood victorious with her hair once again smooth and silky, she tied it at her neck. She stood up, her eyes searching the hut until she finally found what she was looking for. Grabbing the small item from the table, Kagome sat back down onto the _tatami_, took a firm hold of her tail, and then in one determined flick brought the knife to her hair. The short locks, now barely reaching past her chin broke free from the tie and fell around her face. Her head felt oddly light, and Kagome stared at the blue-black tresses littering the floor around her, wondering for a moment if she had finally lost her mind. She shrugged that thought away and gathered the loose strands to her lap. She tied them together at one end, ran her fingers carefully through them, and then set to braiding them. Once she was finished, she put away the knife and gathered the severed braid. She left the hut.

If any villagers stopped and stared at her as she walked between the huts, heading for the long stair case, she didn't notice. She was fully set on this task that had suddenly possessed her, making her blind to everything else. She ascended the stairs and stopped briefly when she reached the top. She walked straight towards that accursed white stone, knelt on the grass, lit the incense and bowed her head in a prayer. Then, she deposited the braid to her lap and sank her hands into the freshly dug ground, shifting the soil, feeling the small grains sting under her fingernails. The pit was small and shallow, but that was alright. It was the gesture here that mattered. Gently, she laid the braid of her own hair into the ground, and pushed the soil back in, covering the grave once again. She sat there for a moment, looking desperately for the right words to say, but coming up empty. She sighed, and caressed the smooth white stone with longing.

Then she rose and walked away. She felt a little lighter. She had needed to do this. In a few short hours, she would be mated to Sesshoumaru, and soon after that the two of them would be leaving the village.

She would venture forth from this place as a changed woman, but she left a piece of herself behind. A piece that would always be his.

**L-A-L**

When Kagome came back to Kaede's hut, Sango was there, waiting for her. She gasped at the sight of her friend.

"Kagome-chan! What did you do to your hair?" the slayer asked, bewildered.

"Something I felt was necessary," was the cryptic answer, followed by an indifferent shrug.

Sango bit her lip and let it drop without a further comment.

"I got your things," she said, gesturing to the items she had laid down onto Kagome's futon.

Kagome turned to look at the neatly folded piled of clothes, resting next to her bow and quiver. There was one more thing on the mattress, next to her bow. She knelt down onto the _tatami_ and her hand darted out, almost involuntarily. The beads were perfectly round and smooth in her hand, cold to touch and surprisingly heavy. They had once glowed dark purple, but they look almost black now, the glow had faded when the spell had died. She had almost forgotten about the necklace. Inuyasha had removed it five years ago, on the day of their mating. After all, the spell had been conjured to protect her life, after Inuyasha had attacked her when they had first met. But over the years, Kagome had given him her heart, and he had fallen in love with her. He had sworn to protect her, and when he finally took her as his mate, his role as her protector and provider had been made official, and the subjugation beads had been rendered useless.

Seeing them now made Kagome remember the early days, the constant travelling and hunting for shards. It had been a trying time, but it had been during those days when they had gradually discovered their feelings. She smiled sadly, and then gently picked up the necklace.

"I thought you would want to save it," Sango spoke quietly.

Kagome nodded, gifting her friend with a wan smile, before she pulled the necklace over her head.

The straw mat in the doorway rustled dryly, and the two women in the hut turned to see Miroku.

"I think our daiyoukai guest is growing restless." he informed them.

"Then I guess we should go and get this mating over and done with," Kagome said in a mirthless tone, rising up from the floor. Sango glanced at her husband, but followed the priestess out of the hut.

Sesshoumaru was waiting just outside. His eyebrow quirked up at the sight of the miko's changed appearance, but he did not comment on it. Rin stood next to the demon lord, smiling and obviously excited for the upcoming mating. Shippo was waiting, too, though he was frowning. Kaede would stay behind to look after the children, Miroku quietly told his wife, just as Kagome stopped to stand in front of Sesshoumaru. Idly she noted that he had removed his armour.

"Come," he rumbled in his deep voice, starting to walk out of the village.

"Where exactly?" Kagome questioned, as the others fell in after them, insistent of witnessing the mating.

"Away from the village. Both of our energies will need to be unleashed to accomplish the joining, and the experience can be… unsettling to bystanders." Sesshoumaru spared a glance at the miko who was following him.

"Fair enough," she muttered with a listless shrug.

They left the village and entered Inuyasha's forest, walking between the tall trees until Sesshoumaru deemed they were far enough from the villagers.

He settled himself onto the grass, heedless of his white kimono and hakama. Kagome followed his example, sitting down before him. Her friends also sat down onto the ground at a slight distance, nervous and unsure of what to expect.

Sesshoumaru reached forward to touch the priestess. Kagome tensed when his hands slipped in under her kimono. A second later they settled on her shoulders, easily cupping them, his deadly claws resting against her skin. Her blue eyes bore into him.

"It has to be skin on skin," he answered the unvoiced question, and then tersely nodded towards her hands. The miko raised them hesitantly, and then pushed the lapels of his kimono aside, setting her thin hands on his chest.

Sesshoumaru held her gaze and nodded.

"Good. We may begin. Try to relax."

Relaxing was easier said than done, because the second after Sesshoumaru had imparted that instruction to her, he discarded the constraints of his youki. His power instantly exploded around them, sending dark shivers down her spine.

_Danger!_ Kagome's instincts screamed, feeling the oppressing weight of his youki. Her heart beat wildly in her chest, adrenaline rushed through her body, and her reiki instinctively came alive, to protect her from the demonic threat.

She saw Sesshoumaru's lips twitch, and in a sudden moment of clarity she realised that the daiyoukai was smiling. _The bastard was actually enjoying this!_

"Follow my lead," he growled at her, and then somehow poured forth even _more_ youki.

In that moment, she finally understood how powerful Sesshoumaru truly was. It had nothing to do with the sheer weight and overwhelming vastness of his demonic energy, it was in the precision with which he was able to control even the most minute aspects of his strength.

His dark, malicious youki danced against her senses, goading her to respond in kind. He managed to keep his energy threatening, so that her powers instinctively flared up in response. Yet she could feel there was no real threat to her here, he was not trying to oppress her, and that allowed her to finally relax.

Her holy powers burst forth, bright and brilliant and colder than ice, matching and contending with the dark and primal inferno that was Sesshoumaru's youki. The powers danced and twirled, winding closer and closer to one another.

Miroku was glad he had sat down onto the ground, if not; the sheer pressure of the incredible powers warring on the clearing would have forced him down on his knees. It was indeed an intense and magnificent display. Yet even though the two opposite powers warred in the air with a lot of sizzling and crackling, in the heart of it all, the couple sat completely still. Their eyes were closed and they appeared to be calm and relaxed. How they could manage that, Miroku did not know. His own limbs were shaking just from witnessing all this raw power.

Kagome focused on her breathing, falling into an almost meditative state. She felt somehow open and connected, now that she had poured out her holy powers. She felt the weight of Sesshoumaru's hands on her shoulders. They felt surprisingly warm against her skin. She felt the steady beating of his heart under the palm of her hand. The beat of her own heart seemed to slow down, in a response to his, until their rhythms finally synchronized and the two hearts beat as one. The very moment that happened, Kagome felt a tentative tug at a corner of her soul and she instinctively answered. The next thing she knew, he was flooding into her and she was pouring out to him, and for a split second they could wholly see one another.

Kagome gasped for air, and the holy powers instantly receded back into her, as she hunched forward, leaning against Sesshoumaru and gulping to catch her breath.

The daiyoukai did not appear to be similarly affected, though his eyes burned red for a second before he called back his youki, putting his usual restraints back in place.

Miroku released a breath he had not been aware of holding.

"Is that it?"

"The joining is complete." Sesshoumaru confirmed, rising from the ground and pulling the miko to her feet with him. It had taken a little longer than he had anticipated, the priestess had been stronger than he had expected. He wondered if she had ever truly unleashed her power in full before.

"I understand now why you warned bystanders would find the experience unsettling," Miroku quipped with a wan smile. "Is it always so intense?"

Sesshoumaru shrugged his shoulder.

"Under usual circumstances, mating will happen during coupling and is thus achieved fully on instinct. To form a mating bond, one must be able to bare one's soul to the partner, and to induce a state that is receptive enough for that to be possible outside the usual circumstances requires a bit more effort."

"It has to do with defences," Kagome muttered in a sudden insight. She did not realise that her hands were still resting against Sesshoumaru's chest even though the two were now standing up. "The power has to be released in full, lest they interfere with reaching the right state."

Sesshoumaru nodded, impressed by the woman's perceptiveness.

"The power has to be released but still under control and eventually one will become open enough to bare one's soul and receive what the partner offers in return."

They were walking back to the village now. Miroku was still interested in the technicalities that Sesshoumaru tried his best to explain in concepts humans could understand. Kagome, however, had lost her interest in the conversation and had fallen behind her friends. It had been completely different from what she had expected. The whole thing had probably only taken minutes, but they had felt like hours to her, like for a moment the time had stopped, trapping her into a world where only she, Sesshoumaru, and their warring powers existed. It was nothing like her mating with Inuyasha, and yet it was almost the same. With Inuyasha, too, the world had faded away, but with him it had been so sweet, and there had been _much_ more skin on skin. In that moment they had been close not only emotionally but physically as well, and when they had found their rhythm together she had felt that insistent tug at her soul and that had been it, they had completely become one.

It had not been as intimate with Sesshoumaru, for obvious reasons, but still it had been very personal. For that fleeting second she had seen him, all of him. That the daiyoukai, who was such a private person, had been so accommodating, so completely open and disarmed before her, filled her with kind of an awe.

Kagome raised her gaze when Sango fell into a step beside her, worried by her silence and engaging her into a conversation. Kagome knew for sure that something had indeed changed between her and Sesshoumaru, when she looked at him. All she could see was the wealth of his silver hair and his perfectly postured back, yet she could tell without doubt, that the demon lord was pleased.


	4. Who Knew

Chapter Four – Who knew

**Disclaimer:** The song Who knew is © to Pink.

* * *

"Are you feeling better?" Sango asked, drawing close to her friend as they walked back to the village.

"Yes, I feel better, but I am not better."

Sango frowned in confusion, her incomprehension clearly showing on her face.

Kagome sighed and tilted her head as she pondered how she could explain it to Sango. She felt that bonds like mating could not really be understood until one had actually experienced them.

"It is like I lost my bow and was given a sword to compensate for that loss," she began softly. Her voice was still as tired and broken as it had been the whole week. "I don't feel as weak, having a sword is better than having no weapon at all – but a sword is not a bow, nor can it ever become one. I don't feel as empty as I did before, with this new bond. But it is not something that would magically fix me. A part of me died with Inuyasha, and that part is now forever lost to me, no matter whom I mate."

Sango nodded gravely. She didn't really know what to say, she just hoped that the time would ease Kagome's pain and sorrow.

"I don't like this mating," Shippo commented sullenly. His hackles were still up from Sesshoumaru's display of power.

"I think it's a great idea," Rin chirped from Sango's side. "It's so sad that Inuyasha-sama died… But Sesshoumaru-sama will take care of Kagome-sama, and now neither of them needs to be alone."

Kagome glanced at the young woman. Rin was sixteen now, and the villagers all considered her an adult. Despite that, she seemed to exude the kind of purity that could only be found in the young. Watching the ward, Kagome smiled sadly and wondered if she had ever been that young herself, so innocent and full of hope. Probably she had been, but it was difficult to remember such times, or recognise the girl she had been back then.

Of course, even now, she was only twenty-three, but she keenly felt the weight of every single one of her years. So much had happened to her in her fleeting lifetime that she had grown more mature than most women her age. Life in the Sengoku Jidai was tough, and when facing the continuous war, famine, disease and death, one grew up quickly. Thus, Kagome was glad that Rin had managed to retain such a positive and hopeful outlook on life despite her troubled childhood. She was also sure Sesshoumaru had closely guarded his ward's innocence.

Kagome finally broke away from her musings, to find Sango studying at her intently.

"Your hair seems a little uneven to me," the slayer said ponderously. "Would you like me to cut it for you so that it'd be nice and neat?"

"That would be great," Kagome replied. She did not really care about her appearance, especially now after everything that had happened, she had not spared a thought to something so trivial, let alone been able to summon the energy she'd need to care for it. But now she was mated to Sesshoumaru, and it would not do if her unkempt appearance would reflect on the daiyoukai. Although she probably looked horrible at the moment, due to the combined lack of sleep and food, the least she could do was to make sure that her hair would not look like a haystack. She probably had to take a look at her clothes, too. She would need to dress properly for the road, which was something she had not done in quite a while, having spent the past two years mostly tied to the village and helping Kaede. Some villagers would probably be sad to see her leave, but then again, it was not like Edo really needed three mikos. Kaede was old, and her body had started to betray her already, she always got persistent coughs during the winters now. Yet, she was already training Rin as her successor. There wasn't really any need for Kagome, and for a moment it stung her heart that still after all the years she had spent in the past, in so many ways she was still an outsider.

It might be better not to take her miko uniform with her. She was not sure if Sesshoumaru would get in trouble with taking a human mate, after all wasn't he some sort of a lord? He probably had a reputation to maintain, so her mortal status was bad enough to swallow. No need to make matters worse by broadcasting her holy powers. Besides… The miko uniform reminded her of Inuyasha, and of Edo. Of the happy days after she had returned to the Sengoku jidai.

They arrived back to the village. Sango beckoned Kagome to follow, so she did. Before she stepped into Sango's and Miroku's house, she noted out of the corner of her eye that Sesshoumaru seated himself on the ground next to Kaede's hut. Inside, Sango bid her to sit, and Kagome obediently lowered herself onto the _tatami_, into a controlled _seiza_. She squeezed her hands in her lap when she felt Sango's fingers run through her hair. For a moment the sadness welled again, when she remembered all the sweet, quiet dark nights when she had lain in her mate's arms and felt his clawed fingers in her hair. Abruptly, she felt an insistent tug in the corner of her soul, a darkness that did not belong to her pulsed, and the pain was gone so suddenly that a gasp escaped her lips.

"What is it?" Sango asked immediately, pausing in her work with Kagome's hair.

"Nothing," Kagome murmured to reassure her friend, even if her brows drew together into a puzzled frown.

Had Sesshoumaru done that just now? Had he felt it? She knew, instinctively, that whatever had so swiftly and effortlessly brought the pang of her loss back under control had not come from her. It had to have been him, but the knowledge of that only confused her further. How had he done it? And _why_?

Her hands twitched in her lap, twisting into the fabric of her kimono as she came to her conclusion.

It didn't matter. She wouldn't look the gift horse in the mouth, she would just be relieved to know that her grief had subsided for now.

The grief terrified her. It was like the flames of the funeral pyre that had turned Inuyasha into ashes; insatiable and merciless. She was afraid of being devoured, and even more frightened by those fleeting seconds when she wanted to throw herself to it. It was like teetering on a brink of a cliff, looking down into the abyss, knowing she had to back away to save herself, but secretly just wanting to take the plunge and disappear into nothing.

"All done!" Sango announced cheerfully.

Kagome thanked her friend and masked her disturbing thoughts with a small bland smile. There was no use in upsetting the taijiya any further after all.

* * *

L-A-L

* * *

Kagome smoothed down the front of the travel kimono she had changed into. She stopped and glanced around the hut, absently rolling one dark bead of the subjugation necklace between her fingertips, before she shook herself out of the wistful melancholia. She grabbed her pack and slung her bow and quiver over her shoulder. Preparations made, few possessions packed, all was ready. She was ready to leave.

Her shoulders sagged. She supposed she should feel daunted by the prospect of leaving off like this – with Sesshoumaru of all people and to gods knew where, leaving her friends behind. However, the only emotion surfacing in her mind was relief. She wanted to go and not look back. She could not stay here, she could not remain haunted by the memories… And more importantly, she could not bear witness to how her friends' lives went on. As much as she wanted to be happy for them, she feared she would only grow bitter and resentful in the long run. She knew that Sango and Miroku of all people deserved their happiness at long last, but seeing their family would be a constant reminder of what she had always wanted for herself, and now could never have.

Her hands twitched involuntarily, brushing against her obi. Yes. Leaving was a relief. She could only keep looking forward now. In one smooth move, she stood up.

Her friends were waiting for her when she emerged from the hut. Rin rushed to hug her, and cheerily wished her well, vowing that Sesshoumaru-sama would take care of her. Kagome's lips twitched in spite of herself. She returned the ward's hug, and told her to study diligently.

Shippo was still visibly upset by the whole ordeal – not only by the shocking downfall of his hero, but also by Kagome's decision to accept Sesshoumaru's proposal. To her relief, though, he did not voice any objections he might still be harbouring. He embraced her fiercely, with all the strength his small body could muster – though the fox kit had grown tremendously, the top of his head barely topped Kagome's waist. When he finally pulled back, he made a vehement promise that if Sesshoumaru ever gave her any trouble, he would come to her rescue. Kagome mussed his hair affectionately.

"Then you must grow strong, Shippou," she cautioned him gently, and the child replied with a resolute nod.

Kaede was next. Kagome clasped the hands of the frail old woman, and thanked her profusely for everything she had done for her. The words could never really repay that debt, but the old miko accepted them nonetheless.

Then, Miroku's and Sango's children were circling her, and she knelt onto the ground to bid her goodbyes.

She had barely straightened back up when Sango collided against her. The taijiya wound her arms firmly around her friend and held her close. She wished her the best from the bottom of her heart, and hoped that Sesshoumaru would keep her afloat, although personally she still had her doubts about the demon. Aloud, though, telling her friend to take care of herself was the only thing she managed before the tears choked her up. Kagome looked back at her with a small, wistful smile and nodded slowly. Sango gave her a watery smile in return, and then reluctantly let go. Kagome turned to Miroku, who flashed her his usual grin and pulled her into a hug. She felt his fingers twitch against her back, but they did not stray below her waist.

"You will be fine," the monk murmured into her ear.

"I hope so," she sighed in reply.

He shook his head.

"I know so."

He released her, and looked at the silent demon lord standing on the side while the group wished their heartfelt goodbyes. The monk's violet eyes met his golden ones squarely. Then, the daiyoukai slowly nodded in response to the man's unvoiced plea.

_Keep her safe_.

He did not need the monk to tell him that, she was his mate, Sesshoumaru mused, as he watched the miko approach him. She was his to protect.

The woman stopped in front of him.

"Let us go," he commanded in his monotone and turned his back to people gathered to see them off. Her footsteps followed him out of the village, unwavering.

He silently nodded his assent. She was his responsibility now.

He would protect her – even from herself.

* * *

L-A-L

* * *

The sunlight dappled through the branches bowing in the light breeze. Though it was August, the weather was hot and humid, as it had been ever since the rainy season had subsided. It was the third day since they had left Edo, and Kagome had learned that Sesshoumaru did not care for roads – a fact which Kagome silently blessed as she wiped the light sheen of sweat from her forehead. At least the forest trees provided shade for them. That was probably not the reason he had opted to walk along the forest paths; he walked where he pleased. Privately, she suspected that the primary reason for his apparent aversion to roads was because he wanted to avoid other travellers, and that was fine by her. She remembered the vary suspicion and sometimes open hostility she had faced when she had been travelling with Inuyasha and their friends. People did not react well to the sight of youkai and human travelling together. She was sure that it would be even worse now, as Sesshoumaru was a full-blooded demon, and they were travelling alone, just the two of them.

The two of them walked on in silence. Kagome didn't even know where they were going, but that didn't bother her. His silence didn't bother her either. She had noticed a long time ago that Sesshoumaru was one of those people who clearly thought that one should not speak unless they actually had something to say. Maybe his silence would have upset her _before_, maybe she would have tried to break it with cheery chatter. But now she was comfortable staying as quiet as he was. And perhaps it was because of their mating bond, or because she was slowly getting used to his presence, but his silence did not feel cold or distancing, like it once had. It was relaxed and companionable.

She rolled her shoulders, stiffened from the weight of her meagre belongings. She paused in her steps to dig around her pack for the water bottle. Finally finding it, she unscrewed the cork and took a good long sip. She felt slightly more refreshed as she carefully packed the bottle again. She looked up, to see Sesshoumaru standing still a few metres ahead.

To an outsider, it probably appeared as if the daiyoukai was completely indifferent towards her, as if he was blatantly ignoring her meaningless existence. But Kagome knew that was not the case. Even if he was not engaging her in a conversation, even if he kept walking ahead of her, even if he never glanced at her over his shoulder, she could tell that he was aware of every step she took. Why would he need his eyes to confirm that which he already knew by scent and sound and the indistinct aura? To her, it was clear that any indifference he had towards her was feigned – he was clearly attuned to her. After all, he had stopped nearly the same second she had, and was now patiently waiting for her to finish her little break. Kagome shook her head lightly as she once again began following Sesshoumaru. Her deep blue eyes bore into his straight and perfectly postured back. Through the bond they shared, she thought she knew him a little better now. At times she got flashes into what he was feeling in that moment, and she found the miniscule variations in his gestures and expressions easier to read. Still, for the most part the daiyoukai remained as he had always been to her – an enigma. His motivations for example were something that completely eluded her. But then again, to be honest, she didn't really care about his motives. In any case, the deed was already done and could not be reversed. Kagome stretched, chased the thoughts out of her head and resumed walking.

* * *

L-A-L

* * *

Later that evening, they finally made camp. That meant, Sesshoumaru stopped at a spot he found adequate, and then seated himself onto the ground while Kagome settled down. She set down her packs and first headed out to the little stream just behind the grove they had stopped in. She knelt by the water to fill her water bottle and then washed the sweat and dust from her face. Her feet were aching, but it was a good ache. Her life had been very settled for the past few years, her body would have to get used to being on the road again. Not that she minded much. The less her life would bear resemblance to the past, the better. She stretched and rolled her shoulders as she stood up. Sesshoumaru's eyes flickered towards her as she seated herself by her pack. She felt very refreshed after eating a portion of the provisions Sango had packed for her. Having dinner and a short rest filled her tired body with a new energy. It made her too restless to just sit around in this little grove, doing nothing. Besides, it was still too early to go to sleep; the sun would not set for at least another hour. Kagome got up again, and paced around for a while, trying to appease the restlessness. After a while, her gaze flitted to her pack, and it struck her – the perfect way to occupy herself. She knelt onto the grass and picked up her bow in both hands. She hadn't really kept up with practice, and now that she was out on the road, there was no telling what kind of things she would encounter. She was not afraid, at this point she would welcome death if it chose to grace her, as a bridge that would reunite her with the man she loved. She also was fairly certain that Sesshoumaru would protect her from any harm, out of obligation if nothing else. Yet, she had never really been the type of a person who felt comfortable relying on others if she could help it; she had been raised to believe in her own strength and abilities. A small smile touched her lips as she picked up the quiver and straightened herself.

The smooth wood of her bow felt warm in her hands, it settled against her calluses like an old friend. She was a bit clumsy notching the first arrow in place, but soon she found the rhythm and the comfortable ease of the well-practised, routine manoeuvres. Holding the long-bow in a relaxed grip and drawing an arrow out of the quiver on her back. Notching the arrow and drawing the string taut. Taking aim at a tree across the small clearing, and taking a deep breath while trying to keep the restless whirl of her _reiki_ under her control. Purification arrows would be overkill for a basic target practice. The string gave a loud _twang_ when she finally released the arrow. It embedded into the targeted tree with a solid thud. A smile twitched her lips, and she completely lost the track of time as she followed the familiar movements, raining more and more arrows on the poor innocent trees. She was so immersed into her practice, that she was badly startled when she was promptly reminded that she was not alone.

"I think that will suffice for one evening, miko," Sesshoumaru's raised voice drawled to break her concentration.

Kagome yelped in surprise and accidentally let an arrow loose. It burst, burning brightly with the errant _reiki _ that had escaped from her control. The arrow landed in a shrub.

Kagome turned, to find Sesshoumaru regard her with a carefully neutral expression, though she could faintly sense the amusement bubbling under the surface.

"You need the rest," he continued calmly, ignoring the unwitting display.

At first she wanted to object, but the unintentional release of her powers had left her wearied. Her fingers ached from handling the string. She set down her bow and stretched as she walked across the clearing to collect her arrows, conscious of the way the demon lord's languid gaze bored into her back.


End file.
